A beautiful day
by dutchtreat
Summary: DL. Oneshot. Lindsay finally talks to Danny the morning after Ruben's death. They struggle with their pain while the world keeps turning.


**AN:** Characters are not mine. Yet another story based on 4x11 'Child's Play'. Reviews are appreciated.**

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**A beautiful day**

It looked like it was going to be a beautiful day – how ironic. Last night the first snow of the winter had started to fall and the streets were now blazing in the early morning sunshine. The schoolyard was filled with excited children, dressed in their bright winter clothes; all colours of the rainbow running around against a perfect white background. Hundreds of happy voices and laughter filled the air _and_ his ears.

Hundreds, minus one.

Danny Messer's bloodshed eyes watched the kids play. He knew he shouldn't have come, but somehow his tired feet had taken him here anyway; walking the familiar streets, passing the same old people and places. It all looked the same, but somehow it all felt different. There had been so many mornings when he had taken Ruben to school, so many times that he had sat on the same bench, watching Ruben and the others play until the bell rang and they all went inside.

So many, but no more.

-o-0-o-

Lindsay Monroe stood on the corner, her gaze never leaving the man on the bench. She was so glad that she had finally found him. The previous day and night she had tried to reach out to him, had tried to call him. But he had pushed her away, had not wanted to talk to her. After he had helped solve the case, he had disappeared, and although she – probably best of all – understood why, her love for him had forced her to keep looking for him ever since.

Ever since, until now.

And now there he was. Her heart broke for the despair and grief that was so visible in his posture; the way his shoulders were hunched and how his tired eyes were burning with anger while watching the world around him. She felt tears form in her eyes when she recognized those all too familiar feelings, which were now agonizing the man she loved. She blinked a few times before she finally made her way over to him; this time he needed her strength and did not have to deal with her pain too.

Pain, she could not show.

-o-0-o-

Danny knew it was her even before he saw her, or even before the small hand took his. He didn't understand his feelings at all. He knew for a fact that he had never felt for anyone the way he felt for Lindsay – his Montana, but after he had found out that Ruben was dead he had not wanted to be near her, be comforted by her. And even now while he was glad for the smell and the warmth that he knew so well, it still was different; as if his feelings for her were covered in a haze.

Clouded, tainted somehow.

"How did you do it, Lindsay?" he suddenly asked, breaking the silence with a hoarse voice. He squeezed her hand "how did you learn to forget, to be happy again?"

Lindsay sighed. She realized that he, unknowing, had provided her with a way to set aside her problems in dealing with grieving people; but she also knew that no matter what she would say or do, it wouldn't really make a difference. "I don't think it is something you can learn Danny. I'm sorry, if there was a way I would tell you, but I'm afraid there isn't. After my friends were killed I was angry at everything and everyone, myself included. I hated the sun for rising and making the world look beautiful, when I was expecting it to rain every day, I glared at complete strangers because they had the audacity to laugh and do ordinary every day things, and most of all I hated myself for still being there to see and hate".

Being alive and not dead too.

Danny slowly nodded, those were feelings he recognized, but the fact that she knew what he was struggling with, didn't help to ease the pain that was tearing him inside out. He was a scientist, he needed concrete answers. He needed her to tell him how he could end this, when it would be over. He finally lifted his head to look into her warm brown eyes, almost scared to be confronted with her kindness and compassion. "But when did the hate subside, what made you smile again?"

I don't think I remember how.

She gave him a small smile "there's no time limit for that, you just go on, and some days are harder than others and then suddenly there will come a day when you realize that something made you smile and that you're no longer angry because the world keeps turning. And although you can never forget what has happened, there will come a moment when the happy memories will be more frequent than the sad ones. And I know that the whole in your heart can never be truly mend and that there will be days when you just don't want to talk to anyone, take off and run as far as you can. But I also know that there will be days when you want to run to someone you love and stay in their embrace forever and share all the wonderful memories that you have, because in those memories the dead will live on."

Forever young, forever happy.

He should've known that there were no answers to the questions he was asking, but it still felt like betrayal that even the one person he counted on could not help him more. Tears he thought he didn't had anymore started to fall down his cheeks again as he cried out "but I don't want Ruben to live in a memory, I want him to ride his bike and play with his friends in the snow, and I want to feel for you like I felt before!"

In love, carefree.

Lindsay flinched "that's what we all want Danny, you, me, Rikki, everybody, but unfortunately the ways of the universe are cruel, and terrible things happen to good people and there's nothing anyone can do to prevent or reverse that. And I understand that your pain and grief and quilt are taking up so much space in your heart right now". She took a deep breath "I know that at this moment there's not enough room left in you heart for love, but I will love enough for the both of us, and I will wait and cry with you and cry for you until you're ready to let love in again".

At any time.

Danny rubbed his eyes. At least now he knew that she understood; she was hurt too, but if and when he ever learned to live with this, he was certain that she would still be there. "Thanks Montana, for understanding, I-I…"

"Ssst Danny, it's okay" Lindsay grabbed his hand tighter and pulled him up. "Come on; let's get you home where you can try to get some sleep".

Dream of happier times.

-o-0-o-

Someone buys a newspaper; a man is walking his dog; the baker whistles a tune while he cleans his doorstep; a Santa jingles his bell; two people are slowly walking through the busy street - everyone around them unaware of the emotions that are plaguing their minds and are tearing at the seams of their hearts. Two people holding hands, trying to keep together a relationship that is being tested by the cruelty of the world.

And still it was going to be a beautiful day.


End file.
